Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides

With the arrival of summer comes blockbuster movies. Each week, we'll review a new movie that's playing at the Regency.

Clean the barbeque, chlorinate the pool and pack the family in the SUV for the onslaught of blockbusters flooding movie theatres all over Los Angeles. Topping almost everyone’s list will be the latest (but certainly not the last) of the mega-millions-maker franchise Pirates of the Caribbean–in this case #4, if you’re counting. 

First things first. Save the extra 5 bucks you’ll shell out for the 3-D version and spend it on popcorn and ice cream. Trust me! There is nothing in this film to warrant this, unless you count the occasional sword thrust into the audience as exciting or innovative. 

Let’s face it folks. The reason to see this “Pirates” as with numbers 1-3, is Johnny Depp and he does not disappoint.  His Jack Sparrow is a hilarious amalgam of bravado, sly cunning, sexual ambiguity and just plain “cheek” as the British would call it. Best are the early scenes in a visually well-created teaming London leading to Jack Sparrow’s escaping (did you doubt he would?) from an impossibly large brigade of officers, and soldiers in a courtroom scene. Sparrow even manages to snatch a cream-filled puffed-pastry (a Pirate’s gotta eat, right?) while swinging from a chandelier.

Don’t blink or you’ll miss Dame Judi Dench in what must be the shortest cameo appearance in film history and also the funniest moment in the film. Without being a spoiler, Dame Judi’s one line–“Is that it?”–could well be asked by the millions of patrons sitting through this only fitfully amusing, somewhat muddled and ultimately unsatisfying sequel.   

Jack Sparrow is pressed into service on a ship bound for America when a strong-box is found containing Ponce de Leon’s map of the location of the Fountain of Youth. Our hero must contend with the ship’s cunning Captain Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his daughter, Angelica (the fetching and feisty Penelope Cruz, still carrying the torch for Jack Sparrow). Miss Cruz is largely wasted in a one-note role (is she or is she not a villain?) but she certainly looks fetching in her Ralph Lauren inspired pirate drag that will surely make its way onto the runway and department stores next fall.

The screenplay implies a back-story romance between Sparrow and Angelica but this is unconvincing and left for us to figure out. The chemistry between these two isn't quite there. Even an anticipated romantic scene on a lush desert island will probably leave the audience wanting more.

The always wonderful Geoffrey Rush plays the grizzled Barbossa, peg-leg and all, but to little point in the plot development.  And yes, that is Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones as Jack Sparrow’s dad, surprisingly good in another one-scene cameo.

Despite an interesting secondary plot involving mermaids and redemption (think Avatar and you won’t be far off the mark), things go downhill and the remaining 90 minutes or so of the film become tedious and just one excuse after another for chases on land and sea, brightened only by Mr. Depp’s seemingly inexhaustible tongue-in-cheek antics. 

At the film’s conclusion, I seriously expected to see flashed on the screen “Summer of 2012 –Pirates #5 with Lady Gaga as Bluebeard’s wayward daughter."  Disney execs, are you listening? 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13)
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11:00 | 2:00 | 5:15 | 8:15

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides in 3D (PG-13)
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1:00 | 4:00 | 7:00 | 10:00

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides in DBOX 3D (PG-13)
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