10 Elementary Differences Between Men & Women, Part One

For this post I easily could have listed 500 or more, as the number of differences between the sexes is vast. Note that I used the word, “sexes,” rather than gender. I hate the word “gender” almost as much as I hate being politically correct! So, a disclaimer: If you are a professor of women’s studies, you might want to go visit Gloria Steinem’s web site.

A second disclaimer: This man loves and respects women, so this column is not anti-woman at all! What it is, from this one father and husband, is my honest look at our differences with the only guiding principle being the truth, plus a touch of humor.

I am going to alternate men and women, so there will be equality with five differences each. Men go first, of course, because we’re more important and women should be following behind us anyway. Now, that is my sense of humor. Get over any indignation you may be feeling right now! Trust me, in my house, my wife is the boss, and I just pay the bills. Oh, and one more thing. Seriously. Every generality or even stereotype has its exceptions, so I declare here and now that any given item on this list will not apply to every man or woman.

1. Men Like to Look at Women
There’s a reason there are more “men’s” magazines with scantily clad or naked women than the equivalent for women. Playgirl was it. Men like to look, like variety, and are made to procreate. We control that instinct for the betterment of family. Women like to nurture and care much more what is inside. Sorry, that’s the truth!

2. Women Like Funny Men
So, what is #1 on men’s lists for the woman they seek? Looks, of course (you did read the first difference on this list!). What is #1 (or #2) for women? Sense of humor. You make ‘em laugh, you have a chance. Not funny, not gonna get a second chance!

3. Men Could Make Love to a Shoe
Hmmm, I declared that I wouldn’t bash women, but it’s beginning to feel like I’m bashing men! Yes, men can “make love” (please substitute an inappropriate word that makes this read better) to a shoe. Pathetic, isn’t it?

4. Women Buy Shoes, But Only Like to Make Love to a Human Being
Every book like The Game and its ilk advise men that the best way to get a woman is by listening, paying attention, being funny, being smart and not by being your natural self–a slug. Women have discretion. They have taste. They like to talk!

5. Men Would Prefer to Eat With Their Fingers and Wipe Their Hands on Their Shirt
What is a napkin anyway but a waste of paper? We men are especially environmentally conscious and therefore would prefer not to waste natural resources like paper, linen and various metals. What’s wrong with our fingers, our mouths and our shirts?

6. Women Like White Wine
Women would still drink Shirley Temples if they were called “Angelina’s” or the equivalent. Ugh. Sweet drinks: those horrible concoctions with a little umbrella and maraschino cherry in them. Oh, and yes, white wine. Just a glass; I’m on a diet.

7. Men Show Other Men Love By Putting Each Other Down
 “Hey Dude, you sure are ugly!”
“I’m ugly? You’re fatter than a pregnant pig!”
“Great to see you, Bruce!”
“I love you too, man, let’s watch the game”
Can you imagine that dialogue between two women?

8. Women Actually Talk to Their Women Friends
Women stay friends for decades. They meet for coffee and talk. They exchange e-mails that are more than a few sentences. Texting or grunting at one another isn’t a relationship to women.

9. Men Watch Sports and Action Movies
We used to like Arnold. We still like Bond, James Bond, whoever plays him. A man hitting other men is good. Boxing. Football. Ice Hockey. The more blood the better…oh, I’m referring to movies, now.

10. Women Watch Lifetime/Ellen/The View and like Nancy Myers Movies
Can we talk about our feelings just a bit more, please? Yeah, women like to talk about their feelings. That’s why they watch those female-hosted daytime shows like the late Oprah, The View (men, we can all throw-up now), Ellen and Dr. Phil. Yeah, he’s really a woman. As for movies, have you EVER known anyone with a house as perfect as every character’s house in a Nancy Myers movie?

So, should I do Part Two? How about adding your suggestions of what is missing?